A Summer Experience

Author’s Note: I’ve been sitting on this article since mid-July and Nick’s request for submissions has provided the kick in the pants I needed to get around to finishing it, so…. here goes!

Over the summer I had the privilege to work at one of the coolest summer jobs I could have ever landed. I was an usher at a few concert venues around Atlanta. This job came with a variety of perks including seeing a ton of bands that I otherwise never would have as well as interacting with the charming general public in all its dysfunctional glory. And, as with any quality life experience, I learned a lot. Even some stuff I really could have gone my whole life without knowing. So I present this list to you. A list of all the things I learned and experienced in the half backstage world of event staffing.

1. Alcohol will never not make you look like an idiot.
2. Telling a pair of dudes that you’re a lesbian in order to get them to stop hitting on you and trying to get better seats won’t work but will make for a hell of a story.
3. The amount of alcohol consumed at a country concert would be enough to give the entire population of Ireland cirrhosis. (‘Murica!)
4. Ten dollars is nowhere near enough for me to even consider “looking the other way”. Add another zero.
5. A good working sense of humor is essential for working in customer service.
6. I will never understand people who pay $100+ for an almost front row concert seat to see motherbleeping Bob Dylan and then leave half an hour early for no apparent reason.
7. If you are a man and you are seen holding tampons you immediately forfeit all present and future rights to a mancard. This is irrevocable.
8. Public urination IS a crime and you WILL get arrested for it.
9. Stoned people are my favorite people.
10. You can get paid to sit in the same place for twelve hours.
11. Latina women are indiscriminate dancers.
12. Pitbull has the hottest back-up dancers.
13. Rob Zombie fans are the nicest and politest people ever.
14. No one will believe you if you say Rob Zombie fans are the nicest and politest people ever.
15. I want to be Ivan Moody’s best friend.
16. The lead singer of Amon Amarth made the phrase “sweating our balls off” sound poetic proving the magic of a Swedish accent.
17. Watching the faces of parents as Ashley Monroe and Patrick Monahan sing “Weed Instead of Roses” is PRICELESS.
18. Straw-ber-ita= Bitch Elixir
19. I am capable of responding to the most bizarre of situations in a calm and professional manner.
20. Matchbox 20 fans are @$$holes.
21. All Matchbox 20 songs sound the same, especially after listening to them for two hours.
22. Middle aged white people dancing and grinding to Kanye West’s “Goldigger” is a memory that makes me smile even on the crappiest of days.
23. People, in one way or another, will never fail to disappoint you.
24. I love the South because you will be sincerely and genuinely asked “How is you?” and it is a beautiful moment.
25. Justin Bieber is as much of a snotwaffle as you think he is.